Setting Boundaries With Family

I am married for 10 years and have been dealing with a lot of stress with my husband when it comes to visiting his brother or sister in law or eating a meal by them on Shabbos and Yom tov. All my sister in law talks about when we’re there is how dysfunctional so many parents are nowadays with raising their kids and how it leads to kids being “messed up” and it’s all the parents fault. It is clear that many of her comments are directed at me as I have a 9 year old son with behavioral issues who frequently gets into trouble in school. Many times she will even ask me how he is doing right after she is done with saying these things. I work so hard with my son but she doesn’t know the hours I put in and how much I sacrifice to try and help him. 

I really don’t want to visit there anymore but my husband (who agrees that it feels like she is criticizing us) says that since it is family, I need to learn to look the other way and not take it seriously. I know he is able to do that but I find it is so hard and I feel I just can’t anymore. What can I do at this point?

I am sorry for what you are going through. It really sounds painful for anyone to bear and especially for a mother being criticized on her parenting.   

I would like to start by pointing out that I believe your husband’s approach is mistaken. His first responsibility is to you as his wife and making sure you are comfortable and feel safe wherever you go. Although some people may disagree with me I believe his responsibility goes as far to include that if things don’t change he should be willing and ready to stop going there with you. 

I understand that he may disagree and want you to just “get over it” but you need to know that your reaction is completely typical and normal based on the circumstances. If he has trouble accepting that, perhaps going with your husband to a third party like a Rav or therapist can be helpful. 

Additionally there are things you can do to address this. One approach is based on the idea that there are 3 ways we tend to relate to others in the world. They include being passive, assertive, or aggressive. In brief being passive is allowing others to step on you while not getting your needs met. Being aggressive is stepping on others and getting your needs met while being assertive is trying to get your needs met in a respectful manner. I have found that in almost all instances being direct and assertive is the most effective way to address something that is bothering us. Of course there are times where looking the other way is more preferable but we need to determine if we are looking the other way to try and maintain peace or we are just avoiding and uncomfortable feeling.  Many people seem to adapt one of the extremes of typically being passive or aggressive as being assertive can feel very uncomfortable for us. Parenthetically, that is usually the result of the normal need of wanting to be liked by others and seen in a certain night. 

In your case I understand that addressing it directly with your sister in law might be really difficult particularly if you feel it may lead to ongoing tension or something worse. You need to consider though that many times that is fear is unfounded and others end up respecting us more when we assert ourselves respectfully. If you do decide to address this with her you may want to role play with your husband how you think the conversation may go and use it as an opportunity to prepare for the various responses you might receive. While there are times people can react to assertiveness as if they are being attacked it is usually indicative of an issue they are struggling with and you don’t need to “own” their issue. Of course like we said it’s really important to remain respectful regardless of the response you get and to do it in private as to minimize any embarrassment for her. 

I would like to leave you with one final thought. Sometimes understanding why someone is acting a certain way helps us see it in a different light and not personalize it as much. Does your sister in law have any children? Her criticism of you is likely reflective of her feeling bad about her own parenting. Or perhaps there may be a certain degree of jealousy that might lead her to try and put you down. Regardless I commend you for trying to handle this in a mature manner despite the pain it has caused you.

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC