Small Steps Towards Change

Summer is usually a time when people are active, but my husband doesn't move much at all! He spends his free time lounging on the couch with his iPad, and it's affecting not only his weight but the entire atmosphere of our house (it's much harder for me to tell the kids to get moving when their father is just sitting there for hours.) Do I just leave him be? Or...how do I motivate him?

Trying to motivate anyone to do something that they don't want to do is often extremely challenging and difficult. When it's between spouses, the challenge increases tenfold.  Many fights are caused by one spouse trying to convince another of a change of behavior that they desire.

I'd like to offer a few suggestions on how to approach this. Author Dale Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, mentions an important principle. If you ever want to win someone over to your way of thinking you first need to honestly see it from their point of view. It's important for you to appreciate and realize why it's difficult for your husband to make this change. Even if his reasons aren't rational or logical to you, you still need to first understand and then empathize with his reluctance to change in order to allow him to consider making the change that you desire. 

First try hearing him out using active listening. Reflect and repeat back what he is saying when he explains why he is resistant. Active listening validates his feelings which may allow him to rethink and perhaps reconsider changing his behavior. He needs to feel that you “get it”. After that, try engaging him in a conversation not about why you want him to change but rather an enquiring about why it's difficult for him to do this. This may sound like, “I know it’s really difficult for you to exercise.” And see what he says.          

Another suggestion it is to offer to make a lifestyle change together. This becomes also a joint effort to improve your marriage and bring you both closer to each other. Maybe join him in exercising together or offer to go out with him after he exercises. Or you can ask him if there's anything you can do to help him to become more active.

Additionally, maybe there is something you are doing (or not doing) that he’d like you to change or improve upon. While he is working on becoming more active, you can be working on the change that he wanted at the same time. But there's an important caveat. Even if he doesn't go ahead with his change it's important that you follow through regardless on the behavior you chose. Although initially he may choose to do nothing it is likely that after seeing you continue to follow through it will trigger his own desire to make the change you spoke about. I have worked with many couples where after one spouse decided to initiate and take a step to do something that they knew the other person wanted, it triggered the other to do the same. 

An essential aspect of change that is often overlooked is the power of one small step. Try not to suggest a change that requires an overhaul of lifestyle. It will usually discourage the person and raise defenses. It’s amazing how when we take even a tiny step in the right direction the ability to progress becomes that much easier

Of course we need to remember. Marriage isn’t easy. And change isn’t easy. As one comedian said, “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC