Finding the Right Person, Building the Right Marriage

I am 22 years old and learning in Yeshiva and also in college part time. I plan to start dating very soon and I know I can be very indecisive at times. I am afraid that it will make it more difficult for me to be able to figure out who the right one is for me. Do you have any advice of what I should be looking for in a potential wife and partner.  

Thanks for the question. 

You are raising 2 important questions in what you asked. The first question is: What are the things that we should be looking for in choosing a partner? And the second one is how can I deal with incisiveness and doubt even when you may have found your potential partner?

With regards to the first question, I believe there are 3 factors one needs to consider when addressing this. One factor is attraction both physical and emotional. This means we have a desire to want to spend time with the person as well as a desire to connect physically. The degree of desire does not seem to be as much important as if there is a desire there or not. Do we look forward to their company and the dating? Do you notice yourself wishing you could spend more time with them? These are important for the initial connection and when they are present even to a small degree, can increase and grow with time 

A second factor is similar life goals. This is important because so often in marriage we need to compromise and when the distance between what we're both looking for is so vast, it makes it that much harder. This is especially true when addressing issues that carry meaning to each member of the couple. This includes our outlook on life, level of religious observance and what the ideal home should look like. This also can also include things such as where to live, the role of money, and the importance of familial relationships and what role they play in each one’s life. 

The third factor is that the person has an interest and an ability to work on themselves when it comes to their character. Perhaps this the most important of the 3.  No matter how kind, patient or giving we think we are, marriage will stretch us in ways we can’t anticipate when we're single and it will force us to either grow and mature, or will result in tension and/or fighting between the partners. Someone who thinks they don’t have to grow when it comes to interpersonal relationships, may be rudely awakened after they get married. And whatever challenges marriage may bring, raising children will exponentially stretch you more!  When a couple is willing to address their shortcomings and try to grow that perhaps is the most significant ingredient that brings connection and love between 2 people. 

I believe this concept also touches on your second question about dealing with indecisiveness. We need to ask ourselves how much of our happiness in marriage is dependent on choosing the right person vs. what we do after we make the choice. Which one do you think holds more weight in determining our subsequent happiness? This is a concept that applies to other decisions as well, big and small. Many of us believe that happiness is the direct automatic result of making the right choices when faced with options. (To be clear I am not addressing moral decisions where there is a clear right and wrong.) We may believe this when it comes to decisions around choosing a job, buying a home, choosing a school, perhaps choosing a spouse. We need to ask ourselves if the decision is the true  catalyst for happiness or is that more dependent on us fully committing ourselves and resources to the option we went with. Of course this doesn’t mean ignoring our preferences and the 3 factors mentioned earlier. But if we are still unsure and find ourselves searching for the “perfect” partner?  This can indicate that we just avoiding facing uncertainty and/or assuming that our choice is the sole and primary determinant in the success of our relationship.

Once the 3 things are taken into consideration,  we can argue that the “choice” part of getting married is over and the commitment part has now begun. We see both in Sefarim (Rav Dessler) and secular psychology (Eric From- The Art of Loving) the concept that more than the choice in determining the success of our relationships, is the work we put in after we make that choice that will truly determine what becomes of our marriage. So perhaps our making the “right” choice is more in our control than we initially thought. Of course we should ask Hashem for His help and guidance when it comes to making this choice and I hope you find your bashert soon!   

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC