Learning to Listen, Not Just Respond

I've been feeling more and more that every time I get into a conversation with my husband about something, we don’t see eye to eye in it right away becomes an argument and we both get so upset at each other.  It just seems like we can't listen to each other and we both get angry so quickly. I really would rather not go to therapy and try to work this out on my own with him but I’m scared we might not be able to. Is there anything you could recommend that we try before we looking into marriage therapy?

Conflict in marriage is typical and normal but at times can become damaging to the relationship if the partners don't work towards resolution. This leads to build up resentments which makes it much easier to lose our cool at the beginning of any disagreement as we're coming into it not only with the current issue but with all the past issues having not yet been resolved. I will give you some suggestions of things you can try on your own and hopefully they will work for you. If not. it might indicate that you need a third party to help you and I would suggest considering counseling. 

One of the most basic communication skills is engaging in active listening. It involves having one person start as a speaker and the other as the listener. The speaker expresses him or herself and the listener's job is to both listen and then after the speaker is done reflect back what they heard. For example, after listening to the speaker, the listener would say “What I heard you say is that you're upset that I don't spend enough time at home. Is that right?” The speaker then would respond either yes or no. If “no”,  then he/she will be asked to repeat or clarify. Once the listener ”gets it right”, he/she will then ask is there anything more. If there isn’t, they would switch roles.  The basic concept behind this is that marriage requires that each of us while holding onto our own thoughts and views, create at least a little bit of space for the other’s view and opinion to exist. There is no need for us to convince our partners of our views and its totally ok to disagree.  But when you are able to listen and understand the others perspective, what happens is that the initial gap between the views that seemed so large tends to shrink naturally. This happens for 2 reasons. One is that we tend to misunderstand what the other person is saying when we're in an argument. We have difficulty taking in another view when we feel threatened and are likely to “dig our heels in the sand” until we feel we are being heard. The 2nd is that once we create room for understanding and connection with the other the significance of the disagreement starts to fall aside due to the need for connection and safety is of primary importance above the issue on hand. When things are going well with couples minor stressors remain exactly that and are usually easily resolved. But when there's an overall rift and lack of connection minor stressors become more and more significant and it seems that almost everything can be the source of a fight. 

A second suggestion I would like to offer is to try and paradoxically argue the others point  of view. This can both really understand the others view and perhaps more importantly  lighten the mood. humor can be really helpful when used to defuse arguments but we need to be careful that it's done in a way that doesn't come across as belittling or undermining the other period what humor does is it kind of reminds both of their brains, that it's safe here and there is no threat. Because once we experience threat it becomes harder to see things clearly and in perspective. 

One more suggestion is at a time when both Love you are calm is to set up rules for how you want to handle this agreement. This includes how do you like the conversation to go, addressing what happens if you can't reach an agreement, and ensuring that no lines are crossed which can cause hurt to the other like name calling or ignoring. 

I think we all want peace in our relationships and when it's not there it's very distressing to both parties . Sometimes we need extra reminders though that although creating space for the other an for peace can be challenging it's also quite rewarding.

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC