Faith, Marriage, and Compromise

It’s not surprising, but what you’re bringing up is more common than you think.  It’s not likely that throughout a couple’s marriage they will always be in the same place religiously.  Shifts in either directions can be normal and expected and we need to learn how to adjust ourselves.  There are two angles from which to address this and I’d like to discuss them both. (As an aside, I am not discussing when the shift is drastic in either direction where a different course of action is indicated).

The first angle in general when it comes to issues around religion my belief is, in addition to a therapist, a Rav should always be consulted.  This need to be somebody that you both respect and feel really understands your particular situation. The direction from a Rav needs to sensitive to your particular situation. Without knowing specifically what concerns you, I am going to assume they aren't as extreme or foundational such as Shabbos and Kosher.  If that’s the case, you have to consider (with the guidance of a Rav) the importance of shalom bayis over a specific chumrah or even Halacha at times. 

What typically complicates things is a common mistake that couples make around this issue.  They tend to  see their spouse's level of observance as a reflection of their own. Obviously this is not the case. Each person has a separate nisayon in life which might be completely disconnected and unrelated to that of their spouse.  We know that the goal of marriage is not about being mikarev your partner and having them grow spiritually.  Rather, marriage is about working on ourselves and reaching our potential while developing a healthy, loving relationship that will allow for the other's growth and the potential children involved.  And  perhaps it’s more important for children to see peace, compromise and respect than it is to see a specific chumrah or minhag being observed. 

The second angle is around compromise. Technically, this issue is no different than anything else in a marriage where a couple doesn’t see eye to eye.  In all situations there's potential for both conflict or compromise. Perhaps your husband sees some of what you are doing as extreme and is responding in kind by moving the other way. Regardless, he needs to hear from you that his opinion/preferences  I are important to you as well. I would also suggest thinking about and considering what else might have led your husband to become more lax in his observance.  Sometimes this can come from overall stress in a person's life, perhaps form business, children, or marriage itself.  Other times, it can come from a feeling of unfulfillment and lack of connection to god. Have you ever been able to have a discussion with him in an open way about why he thinks some of these changes are happening?  Perhaps you can share some of your own religious struggles to normalize what he's experiencing.  Or maybe there are some steps you can take that will make it easier for him to devote more time/energy to this.

Of course, the things that aren't helpful include criticizing his actions both alone and in front of the kids, nagging, trying to send hints about what is bothering you without saying it straight out (when it’s clear what your real intention is), or threatening him to change or else.

In one couple I worked with, it became clear that the husband’s decline in observance was directly related to feeling that his wife never respected him religiously and was always disappointed in him, no matter what he did. That led to him giving up when around his wife  on anything concerning religion. We know that a wife is obligated to respect her husband and if you can't do it from a religious perspective, it’s essential that you find other areas that you are able to respect him in.  Examples can include his dedication to the family, his hard work in providing for the family, a particular talent or skill, or good middos. 

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC