Kids, Gaming, and Boundaries

Every day after school, my kids ask to play games on the computer, PlayStation or iPad. I never allowed this on school nights but now that they are getting older it's getting harder to make it off limits. Would it be detrimental to let them? If I do agree, how can I enforce reasonable limits?

Your question touches on a number of important concepts. I would like to address two of them. I would like to examine the effects of video games on children in general and effective limit setting,

Like most issues there are different opinions about the effects of video games in children and adolescents. For some children with learning disabilities or behavior challenges, video games that teach Math and Reading have allowed them to experience success while having fun.  This confidence sometimes carries into the classroom as well, leading to better grades and better behavior.

However, you should know that the gaming industry is a multibillion dollar industry and is creating more and more realistic gaming experiences where you literally feel like you are inside the game. Their goal, like the tobacco industry, is to create an insatiable need for their product which often leads to addictive behavior. 

After its launch on July 6th, of this year the location-based augmented reality game  POKEMON GO became the top grossing app in the United States in just 13 hours, leading to Nintendo’s 5-day, $9 billion skyrocket in market value.

But the game and its addictive nature have proven to be dangerous. “Not even 30 minutes after the release last night, I slipped and fell down a ditch,” said a  Reddit user. “Fractured the fifth metatarsal bone in my foot, 6-8 weeks for recovery. I told all the doctors I was walking my dog lol... Watch where you're going, folks!”

In another case, two men crossed a fenced area in their desperate search of pocket monsters, and fell off a cliff near San Diego, sustaining injuries, the extent of which are unclear.

In perhaps the scariest example of how much of a hold a game can have on a person happened to young man in Oregon. Michael Baker of Forest Grove, was so focused on catching all the characters in "Pokemon Go" that he kept playing even after he was stabbed. According to a police report, Baker refused medical treatment and continued his Pokemon hunt." I basically risked my life," Baker said. "It's important to me. I gotta basically catch them all." Baker said he got eight stitches on his shoulder.

That’s the goal of the industry – for a game to become a stronger reality than the actual world we live in.

Many Silicon Valley engineers send their kids to non-tech schools, where kids are tech-free until at least age 10 or 12.  Even Steve Jobs was quoted in the New York Times saying, “We limit how much technology our kids use at home.”

Quite simply put, kids continuously exposed to tech screens at a young age show higher rates of substance abuse, stress, poor academics, and depression. We all love our gadgets, but limiting them for kids makes sense.

So practically, you need to do a few things at home.  If you have to have a device, number one the device should be locked up in a place where only you have access to it.  Children should not be allowed ever to play on the device while locked up in their room. 

If possible, I strongly suggest buying a device that does not have access to group chat, messaging or WhatsApp.  Try to limit it as a game device only where he/she does not have the ability to chat with outsiders.  Chat groups have led to all kinds of disastrous situations.  Consider a pass code that only you can open and close.  Be careful – kids have been known to spy on their parents and “figure out” or bypass the codes. 

Next you can create a sign in and sign out sheet.  After the child has completed his homework, chores and other responsibilities for the night, he can be given his tech device for the agreed upon time.  It’s better to start with a lower baseline and allow the child to earn additional time. But there needs to be a maximum that should never be exceeded. They can earn more time by engaging in non-screen activities, such as outdoor play, reading, building and playing with toys.

Another important part is to offer other options of true fun.  Enrolling a child in an extracurricular activity such as sports, music, gymnastics, or swimming gives the child more time to spend away from tech devices and time away from home to practice.  For example, a child who takes two gymnastic lessons a week can spend time practicing at home as well.

Stick to your guns. Just like kids “find” many other things to do on Shabbos and Yom Tov when tech devices are turned off, they will find ways to entertain themselves.  On one hot Sunday, I found that my boys had used duct tape, soda bottles, and tennis balls to create a miniature bowling alley in our basement. Without the freedom of “tech”, kids are forced to figure out other, creative ways to have fun.

Of course, modeling as parents is probably one of the greatest tools we have. We can’t expect our children to learn healthy habits if we ourselves are glued to our devices. It’s helpful to have tech free time in the home where the adults can be seen putting their phones away (perhaps a shoebox designated for this) where the children can see and learn to model that behavior.  

A reporter doing a study on this quoted one father saying, “I have wasted so much time when I could’ve been spending it with my wife or kids. I could have a PHD by now if I spent my time in college instead of gaming. I know I have a problem because I asked my 5 your old what he wants to be when he grows up. He told me, "I want to be like you dad, and play games all day." That really hurts.”

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC