Marriage Isn’t About Winning

My wife and I have been married for ten years, and we've gone to her parents every single Sukkos and Pesach (my parents are unable to accommodate us.) I feel that it's high time we celebrate Yom Tov on our own, but my wife is won't hear of it. Since she's the one doing most of the work, she feels that it's her decision to make, not mine. How do I win this one?

It’s possible that the last sentence of your question contains a part of the answer. While Hollywood paints a picture of falling in love and living happily ever after, we know that real life begs to differ. No matter how similar we think we are with our spouse when we marry, we will always find massive differences as the relationship progresses. That brings in the concept of compromise. A couple that doesn’t have access to that tool will forever find themselves on opposite ends of a disagreement with no solution that works for both parties. One of the most important skills in a marriage is the ability to be aware of our needs while at the same time holding the needs and desires of our partners in mind. When a couple is able to do that, the road to compromise is a lot smoother.

In your question you asked how to win. Marriage isn’t a sport with a winner or loser. Getting your needs met doesn’t imply that you have won anything. Sacrificing for the needs of your partner doesn’t indicate a loss either. As you’ve joined from two single people into one couple, your decisions should follow that paradigm.

It is not uncommon to see couples in therapy where they each come in with a virtual scorecard. “He did this” She said that” and the expectation sometimes feels like they are asking me for who is more right and wins.  Perhaps I should have a bag of prizes I can use each session and pick out the winner. (But do award second place too?)

Answering your question practically I would suggest the following. There’s a technique we have touched on in before that would like to fully explain in steps. Get a few minutes where you and your wife will have privacy and engage in a skill called active (or reflective) listening. This involves having one spouse start as the speaker and one as the listener. The speaker begins with expressing either a need or concern they have. The other partner just listens until the speaker is done talking and then needs to reflect back to the speaker what she/he heard including the content and feelings expressed. When the listener is done reflecting back she/he asks the speaker “Did I get it right”? If the speaker says “no” we ask the speaker where you got it wrong and then try again to reflect until you get it right.  If the speaker says “yes” the following question is “Is there anything you want to add”? If anything is added the listener, then reflects that as well until the speaker feels heard. They then switch roles.

The purpose of this exercise, (which can feel awkward at first but you may come to appreciate - based on client feedback) is to enable us to truly hear the point of view of our spouse and consider how we can accommodate them. Once that is accomplished and the person feels heard it becomes much easier to start a dialogue around what your needs are and can you meet halfway. Perhaps you will help some of the preparation and work so she doesn’t feel burdened. Maybe you can compromise and go for half the Yom Tov. Regardless, the only way for this to work is if the other party feels heard and understood.

The greatest feeling, we can experience in communication is that other person “gets it.” How much more so does this apply with our spouse.

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC