The Example We Set With Our Phones

While much has been discussed recently about drinking and kiddushin in our community, I would like to raise another obvious problem which has become so out of control, that I fear for our children as well as ourselves. The issue is internet, cell phones, etc.

Aside from looking around as I drive, at all our frum “zombies” (who would be shocked if you called them what they are, to their faces: addicts!) glued to their phones, while they drive, while they walk, while they come and go from Shul—-what about what we are teaching the next generation when Daddy comes come from work, and uses all or most of his free time looking down at his phone/iPad/computer?

Why are we then surprised and even horrified when we find that our kids are addicted too? Who taught them that it’s not only okay, but Daddy (and Mommy) does it too? Never mind all the destroyed families after secret behavior and bad materials were discovered by one spouse or the other! 

I’m not sure of what the solution is, I don’t know if there is one, but what I, seeing going on around me is frightening to say the least. Any suggestions?

Thank you for the question which I am sure many can relate to. People rely on cell phones today for a whole lot more than communication. You can conduct business, banking, order virtually any product in the world to be delivered to your front door, home, engage in many forms of entertainment, listen to lectures, and even daven and learn on your phone. The more we can access from a phone, the less we require the involvement of another human being. In essence, we are priming ourselves to become comfortable avoiding human contact and interactions. Obviously, there is a price to pay that comes with this.  

Of course, if as parents we are setting the wrong example there is no reasonable way we can expect our children to behave differently. While we have all seen examples of parents telling their kids “Do as I say not as I do”, we see the results of that “style” of parenting and the damage it can cause. Even for a parent that is struggling with their own cell phone “addiction” this can be an opportunity to both break free from it while giving a powerful message to your children that your phone is not your most prized possession. When children see parents practicing any challenging or difficult behavior,  it teaches the child the concept of self-control in addition to giving them a natural role model for them to follow.  

Its important to know that there a potential biochemical addictive aspect to excessive cell phone use. The neurotransmitter dopamine is a chemical our brains release to signal potential pleasure (before the actual pleasure is experienced). It is responsible for the “wanting” that we experience which motivates us to take-action. But it itself feels good to us. For example, you are waiting for a message and your phone buzzes it  triggers a dopamine release which encourages you to check your phone to see who it is. When you have many recurrent dopamine releases, your brain becomes used to the feeling and desires it in greater amounts and will look for opportunities to experience it. Seeing new emails, getting phone calls, all sorts of messages from What’s app to Snapchat can all trigger a small release of dopamine in our brains. This can eventually lead to a “dependence” on the dopamine release resulting in anxiety symptoms when you forget your phone at home or for any other reason don’t have access to it. (Perhaps this can also partially explain the growing numbers of teens that admit to using their phones on Shabbos and Yom Tov despite being completely “frum” elsewhere in their lives.)   

I think a major theme when addressing this issue is the idea of transparency.  

This applies in many facets- including being open with our children about the potential risks of technology, limiting electronic devices with internet access to open areas in the home, putting filters on the devices, and talking openly with them about how we manage the use of the  technology in our own lives. Some families have adopted the practice that at dinnertime all family members place their phone in a shoe box for 30 minutes to an hour and try to engage directly with each other.  Although we have this opportunity already built into Shabbos and Yom Tov I think it send a powerful message to our children when they see us willingly parting with our phones in order to be present with them. It does not seem reasonable (for most families) to completely eliminate internet use in the home so our job is help teach ourselves and our children the concept of moderation which is something they will benefit learning for many more areas of their lives. 

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC