When Chores Become a Battleground

I am a mother of 3 children ages 3, 7, and 10. My question is that every Shabbos I get into a battle with my 10-year-old about her helping to clean the table after the meals. I know this is something she really dislikes  but I feel it is my responsibility as a mother to teach her good middos. This is also having an impact on my 7-year-old who complains that its not fair that he has to help if she won’t help. My husband feels that I shouldn’t insist on either of them helping and we should “pick our battles”. I am not sure what the correct approach is her and would like your input please.  

Thanks for the question which I am sure many families could relate to. I remember growing up and arguing with my older brother each week about who’s turn it was to clean the table as we rotated that responsibility weekly.  I also remember my parents frustration as this scene would unfold weekly time and time again. As a result, I have explained to my wife that cleaning the table (or anything else) traumatizes me and she needs to respect that. 😊

All kidding aside, I admire both your desire to instill good values in your children while also being open to hear other approaches that may differ from yours. I would first be curious to explore what her resistance might be sourced in. Is she normally wiling to pitch in and help when asked and this is one of the only areas she has difficulty?  Or is this more of a pattern where she refuses to help when asked? What we are trying to figure out is if this is a problem in it of itself or is it indicative of something underlying that needs to be addressed? One of a therapist’s primary jobs when first meeting  a client is to understand why the person is struggling with whatever issue they are presenting . There are 2 ways to ask the question “Why are you doing this?” One is more of an accusation implying that their behavior makes no sense and is wrong. The send way to ask comes from pure curiosity with a desire to really get what motivates the behavior. Until we understand that, it is much more difficult  to effect any change. With our children (and spouses) we would benefit from the same approach. If we can really understand  what’s behind her resistance, it will indicate to us what intervention might work best. People at times are afraid of looking for what’s behind a behavior with the fear that it will somehow justify what is being done and make it ok. Of course, this is not at all the truth. Even if we were to look at someone that commits murder and see that they experienced a traumatic childhood with many stressors they had to content with while it might give perspective to how it lead to their behavior but by no means is it a justification. Our goal is not exonerate the behavior as much as it is to better understand it.  

Another point I would like to address is a common pitfall that affects many of us. In short it can be summarized as missing the forest for the trees. I commonly encounter with couples in treatment situations that become arguing points where neither is willing to budge convinced that their view is “better” or more right. And as result there can be arguing, fighting and yelling in front of the children over who is really correct. So, while you may end up being “right” and get your way on one particular issue,  the result of the argument might be that your children might witness disrespect  between parents, people losing their temper, and a message that disagreements are terrible and result in fights. 

Multiple lessons get sacrificed to preserve the one you are stuck on. So while I am not directly answering your question if you or your husband is “right” hopefully we answering a larger question that removes the need to address it at all. Enjoy the rest of your summer!

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC