The Lessons That Grades Can't Measure

I have been having an ongoing battle with my 12-year-old daughter around her study habits.  I find that when she studies for tests, she typically leaves it for the last minute and then will cram in as much studying as she can a night or 2 before.  She has done fairly well throughout school (her averages in the mid-80s) but I feel she can do even better if she were to change her study habits. I am particularly worried as this is her 8th grade year. I'm afraid high school will be harder and she won’t be able to get away with what she's doing. Every time the discussion comes up, she gets upset and insists that her friends also study this way and that she is doing fine with how she is handling it. I am scared that she is developing bad habits with this but do you suggest I just leave this alone and allow her to study in the way she feels most comfortable?

Thank you for the question. I think many parents can relate to this struggle when it comes to helping their children both with homework and studying for tests. 

I think the question touches on a few different points. One point is how to deal with giving over a life lesson to children when we feel they're just not taking it in. This can be very frustrating for parents especially when we see the mistakes happening right on front of our eyes. 

But in truth it’s important to know that the way most of us learn our lessons throughout life Is from life itself and the natural consequences of our actions. Of course, as parents we want to try to prevent our children from making unnecessary mistakes so we can help them avoid unnecessary pain. Sometimes though, despite our best efforts our children need the experience itself to be their teacher. It doesn't mean that we don't try to give over our suggestions and guidance but sometimes we need to let go when the child is unwilling or unable to hear what we’re telling them. Perhaps your daughter will need to experience doing poorly in high school as a result of her study habits in order for her to see the benefit of change. I believe our job as parents shifts then to remaining supportive and by their side as they experience the consequences and helping them move towards better decisions without needing to show them that we knew best and they should’ve listened to us. 

A very separate point here is about the value of school and performance and what messages we give our children about that . While school is a primary structure in which our children receive their education for life perhaps it is not the subjects themselves that are most important to excel in but rather what is learned about themselves and others during the time they are in school. This might mean learning about friendships, making dealing with peer pressure and making healthy decisions, learning respect and responsibility and opening their minds to think and ask questions.  These things aren’t typically graded, but perhaps the “grades” in these areas are more indicative of their future success in life than the subjects themselves. School is supposed to be a safe place in childhood and a safe time for children to learn about themselves, making good decisions and dealing with challenges. It is a place and time where children can develop into their best selves and focus on what matters most. 

On a more behavioral level perhaps you can make deal with your child where you will respect/accept her study habits as long as she maintains a certain average and if it falls below an agreed upon number, she will agree to try it your way. Additionally, maybe you can reach a compromise with her where she will put in a certain amount of time prior to the test even if her primary studying is relegated to right before. 

Wishing your daughter lots of success at school both with her grades and the deployment of her character.  

Is it more valuable that a child with a good memory or study habits gets a good grade and accolades than the child that tried and ended up with a poor grade? Can we argue that effort is a quality more valuable than the grade?

Yet what message does a child that didn't try so hard and received a good grade vs the one that tried but scored poorly? Are we doing enough to celebrate the effort which perhaps is a greater achievement than the grade? I think if we were able to better do that, we would raise healthier children with better values about what matters most in life.

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC