When Faith Changes Within a Marriage

I am honestly embarrassed to ask this question but will try anyway. My wife and I have been married for a number of years and we have a few young children together. Although when we got married, we were very much on the same page when it comes to religious observance and the type of home we wanted to build. Over the past few years though  she has been slowly changing and just recently told me she doesn’t believe in Judaism at all and has not been keeping kosher when out of the home and regularly uses her phone on Shabbos. She recently informed me that at this point she no longer wants to live a frum lifestyle.  She agreed to keep Halachos that directly affect the home like kosher and family purity laws but she says that they are completely meaningless to her.  She wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children and is happy with them remaining in their Yeshivah/Bais Yaakovs. She also says that she still loves me. I really don't know what to do and what is the best choice for my children. I understand that I may need to see a therapist regularly to really work this out but wanted to hear any suggestions you have.  

I first want to start by saying this sounds so difficult and I admire you for trying to come up with the right solution for your family. Unfortunately, this has become a more and more common phenomena in our community. I know of many people that externally are religious but internally have completely stopped believing or practicing. I am not going into why this might be more frequent nowadays or even the source and causes of it  But this does not make it easy on a spouse or family. Especially when up front before getting married there were commitments made and the decision to get married was influenced by those commitments. 

In beginning to address your question, some of the things that I would want to know include the nature of your relationship with her until this point and how much love and connection there is between you.  Aside from or religious beliefs are you able to enjoy each other’s company, get along for the most part, and make decisions for the family that are both on the same page?  This is a really important factor as I cannot overstate the importance of a peaceful and loving home even when significant differences with the spouses exist. Is your wife also willing to be involved in the children's Jewish education and even encourage their observance?

Additionally, she told you she’s  no longer observant but It is important to know exactly what that looks like practically at this point and what is out in the open vs being done privately.  

It is commonly said that when deciding whether to get married to a particular person, there needs to be 3 core things in place as a foundation upon which one can build. These include physical and emotional attraction, similar life goals, and an ability for each partner to work on themselves during conflict. The reason having similar life goals is one of the 3 factors is because many decisions in our lives depend on what we place as priorities. Choosing a neighborhood to live in, schools to send children to, and overall type of home you want to run will be influenced by this.  

The concept of staying in a marriage solely for the benefit the children is a complicated one. There are certain marriages where the children may actually benefit more from a divorce rather than staying together just for their sake. Of course, each situation needs to be looked at individually and assessed. Many of the factors that play a role in this decision include the ages of the children, the frequency and nature of the disagreements, and the overall level of peace and calm in the home. Another important factor is the ability for the parents to properly parent together vs argue over most decisions about what’s in the best interest of the children. Of course, you would benefit from consulting a Rav you trust and a frequent mistake made in marriages is the belief (many times unconscious) that each spouse is responsible for the level of observance of the other. There have been many instances of marriages including some that are well known, where one spouse was clearly significantly more observant than the other yet they were able to maintain a peaceful home and show mutual respect for each other.

Something to consider is if you can imagine being able to maintain that in your relationship? It is extremely important though for us to be completely honest with ourselves about how we feel. When one spouse is miserably unhappy for whatever the reason and unable to put that aside, there are times where the children would benefit from the marriage being dissolved even of the reason isn’t a “right” one.  We've all heard of stories of people that have remained in relationships despite significant difficulty and when a person is capable of doing it in an authentic way and embraces the challenge wholeheartedly, it can be quite commendable . Yet there are times when others might valiantly try to take on the challenge but it results in more pain in the home both with the relationship and children. 

I encourage you to find both a therapist and Rav with whom you can consult when making this choice and I hope you can find what will work best for both you and your family.

Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC